You are never wrong.

Hi, whoever is reading this! ily!

Here goes… I’ve been getting lots of ideas recently for things I want to post about but I don’t do it. I keep notes in my phone and tell myself that at the perfect moment, in the perfect space, with the perfect cup of coffee and perfect zen vibe, I’ll write the blog or the Instagram. But the truth is, those moments NEVER happen. Life is never perfect. Nothing ever aligns EXACTLY as I think it should, because it’s never up to me. It’s up to a force much bigger than me. And my only job is to listen and surrender. And if that voice inside tells me it’s time to write or share, then I want to do it, no matter what state I am in.

So here’s my current state… been laying in bed since 7:30pm. Ate Chipotle in bed while watching Game of Thrones. And have my face mask on for my acne that’s been popping up like crazy recently.

And this thought that’s been floating through my mind a lot lately, hit me like a ton of bricks… I was sitting here telling myself what a piece of shit I was. I didn’t workout today. I didn’t get enough done. I didn’t socialize. I ate too much. My skin sucks. I’m gross and lazy and all the horrible things. And then it hit me. None of this really has to be wrong. I’m just labeling it as wrong.

What this really is, is just my experience of today. What if I said it this way: Today I had a very relaxing day. I got all my laundry done. I helped get stuff done for my mom. I ran an errand. I got some food to nourish and feed my body. I ate dinner while watching my favorite show; and put on a face mask to help heal my skin. LOOK👏AT 👏THE 👏DIFFERENCE👏. Both the EXACT same thing, just labeled differently. What I am getting at is, we are truly NEVER wrong or bad or any of the cruel lies our minds can sometimes tell us. We are simply experiencing life in one way or another.

We may believe we are wrong because of what society tells us or what other people have told us our entire lives. But YOU are the only one who knows what is best for you today. And for me that was relaxing.

We condemn ourselves so harshly for things that may be exactly what we needed that day. And instead of allowing that relaxing day to nourish us, we call ourselves lazy and stay in a funk because we feel horrible about who we are as a person.

And I think we’ve got it all wrong. I think that my higher self, the universe, the God I believe in, LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF ME TODAY, just as much as they love me when I have perfect skin or am teaching multiple yoga classes. Truly, my soul sees me as the same in both scenarios: a beautiful girl being exactly who she is.

Ultimately, what I’m trying to say is that whatever you’re going through, wherever you’re at, whatever you think you’ve done or not done…. it is all PERFECT. You are having the exact experience your soul wants you to have right now. If it feels like it sucks, and you’re having a horrible day or month or even year…. try to trust the process, be where you are right now, and know that this too shall pass. Trust that it is all part of your journey.

That may sound insanely frustrating. I know it did for me when things were tough. But I know now it’s all been part of my path. And instead of judging it or labeling it as “bad” or “wrong” or “embarrassing” or whatever words I would come up with, I am learning to see those moments simply as experiences. And those experiences were exactly what I needed at that time, to get me to this time. And my experience tonight is exactly what I need right now. And it’s all okay. I’m just going to love myself as Paige, exactly as she is right now (which is way too full from chipotle and way too into Game of Thrones). And that’s it! Simple!!! No more self-hate. I mean I am so cute right now! I’m all comfy in bed with matching pajamas and a weird face mask on and it’s amazing!

Be kind to yourself. Trust the process. Know that every single moment of every single day, every decision you make, every conversation you have, every food you eat, every show you watch. It is all part of your perfect journey. You are never wrong.

I think that’s all I’ve got.

So much love,

Paige

There is strength in sadness, there is beauty in chaos.

 

This post is dedicated to my best friend Annmarie Wrightsman. My first post came into fruition the day after we had an incredible conversation via FaceTime and clicked about life per usual. Tonight we had another one of those conversations where, although we now live 117 miles away from each other and are both so damn busy and caught up in our own shit we talk maybe once a month, every single thing we were talking about synced up and related on so many levels. That’s why this girl is my soul sister and why I’m writing this post tonight instead of waiting until tomorrow, only an hour after our phone conversation because I’m inspired and because thank God for real fucking people.

We got to talking about how our lives are so fucking crazy and chaotic right now. Do any of you have a friend who you get together with and sometimes you just have a bitch session about anything and everything? But no one has to say, “sorry I’m complaining so much”. No, you both love it. And bounce shit off each other to hate the world even more. I know that sounds shitty but sometimes it can just feel good.

I feel like the past two posts I wrote, I wrote them when I felt on top of the world and like everything was perfectly aligned. I mean okay not exactly because nothing is ever perfectly aligned for me. But when I wrote the first two posts I felt like things were going fairly smoothly. And now things are crazy in my life. Mostly in a good way but still. I procrastinate a lot so there’s shit I need to get done. I spend way too much money. I have been telling myself for three weeks I’m going to finish my laundry and make my room spotless. I am currently sitting in my bed with piles of laundry on the floor and a dirty carpet. But I am writing because this is what it is all about. It is about the beauty in the chaos, and that everything good is messy.

When I wrote my first post I woke up early to a clean room, I meditated and felt like I knew exactly what I wanted to say. I sat down at my clean desk with my laptop ready and let the words flow. The words do almost always flow which is pretty cool and I’m grateful for that. But right now I have no clue where this post is going… I hope it turns out okay.

I’m a big daydreamer. And most days I daydream this perfect life I will one day have and how I’m going to get there and what it’s going to look like. Like being this perfect yoga teacher who is the BEST one and who changes the world with her words. Or I imagine this fairy tale story of how I meet this perfect guy who does everything right and we get married and have perfect kids and it just all works out. Yes okay great but really….. how BORRRRIIINNGGG???? And recently things have happened with yoga and meeting people and they have both not gone as I would have ever expected. And both have been pretty messy and chaotic. But it’s so much more fun and so much more real.

While Annmarie and I were on our badass rant, we talked about how feeling depressed and anxious or having depression and anxiety seem like this thing that’s everywhere now a days and everyone is saying that it’s okay to be depressed and anxious and everyone experiences it. Okay so we know that. And I am so grateful for issues like this being brought to life because that is the start and it’s beautiful to share vulnerability and truth. But there’s more to this truth. Like the other day I walked into my dad’s office to find melatonin, and it reminded me of four months ago when I was down there frantically riffling through all his pill bottles trying to figure out which ones would kill me. I know this sounds morbid and I’m sorry that this post is maybe different than my others. But the point of this blog is for me to be real and for someone to relate to this realness and feel like they are not alone in their crazy. Yes I know this sounds horrible and you may be feeling sorry for me. But maybe (hopefully) you’re someone reading this right now and you’ve done that or you’ve felt that way. And you just took a big sigh of relief knowing that you’re not alone in that. To me, that is better medicine than anything going around telling you everyone gets depressed and you’ll “get through it”.

Here’s the other thing though, among all of this hurt and chaos, there is so much good in my life and so much I am so excited about. And what I’m realizing is that I am allowed to have BOTH. And so are YOU. Oftentimes I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m always waiting for something bad to happen when things are good. To tell you the truth, something bad is probably going to happen, but there will always be some good, too. And I beat myself up for everything not looking perfect in my life so who am I to get the guy or write the book or be the teacher when I have all this other crazy shit going on. Really though, who are you not to be? I said it before and I will say it again: the best things in life are messy and gritty and passionate and crazy. And you’re allowed to have it all. You are allowed to live your most optimal life, even though you don’t have it all figured out. Hate to spoil the ending but you’re never going to have it all figured out. So work with what’s in front of you and do the best you can.

Something that makes life super difficult for me sometimes is this idea that I am striving to be “happy”, that being “happy” is the only goal or state I am working toward. And I just don’t think that’s true anymore. To be honest, I don’t want to always be happy. I truly enjoy having a bad day sometimes and driving around in the car crying about anything and everything and listening to sad music. The death of my Uncle Paul was one of the most horrible things I have ever experienced, and yet I have never felt more love in my entire life. When I was at my weakest and finally let people know, I felt more support and strength from others than I ever thought possible. I think there is more strength in sadness and letting yourself be sad than there is putting on a smile and acting like everything is okay. You’re allowed to have bad days, bad months, bad years. You’re allowed to feel like shit and you’re also allowed to feel on top of the world and live the life of your dreams. I know this is kind of confusing and I apologize if I’m not making any sense. But I just have come to this new way of being where I know that I am here to experience the FULLNESS of life. And yes that includes huge real smiles and hard belly laughs and passionate kisses. But it also includes gut wrenching sobs and intense anger and extreme anxiety. Because we are here to feel it all and experience it all.

There is a quote I love that says, “Happiness is a full time job”. At first I thought I understood what it meant. I thought it meant you just always have to look past the bad, see the good, see everything as light and love and be happy. But now I know what it truly means, or at least I know what it now means to me. It means that happiness comes when you go through the sadness, the grief, the depression, the pain. When you fully do that, then you also get the happy, the love, the joy, the freedom.

I am grateful for people like my friend Annmarie who in an hour long phone conversation we can experience all the fullness of life. We start out laughing our asses off and catching up on exciting things. Then we both freak out about life and how we feel like we are both fucked up and will never be okay. We throw in some anger, heartbreak, old funny memories, and sharing love stories. We are all over the map and we are crazy and it’s perfect.

I think this may be my most confusing and chaotic blog post but then again, how appropriate is that. I will leave you with this…. YOU deserve the world, and the world includes good and bad, happy and sad, joy and fear, strength and weakness. I saw a Facebook video the other day of a little girl who’s parents surprise her with a trip to Disney World and she starts full out bawling crying. But what struck me about the video was that no one told her “don’t cry”. They just let her feel all of it. I can only imagine the excitement, anxiety, and pure joy that little girl felt and she felt it all in that moment. She let it out and she didn’t care who was around, it was all going to come out either way.

You’re allowed to do that, too. You’re allowed to be totally heartbroken in one area of your life and totally ecstatic in another. You don’t have to have it all figured out to be great, and that to me is pretty beautiful. Enjoy the crazy, just let it happen and ride the wave that is this wonderful life.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

This quote from Marianne Williamson couldn’t rein more true. If you wait until things are perfect to share your light, the world will stay pretty dark. I was going to say, “so let it shine” but that’s sounds cliché and stupid. Just stop giving a fuck what people think and trying to make it perfect and get out there and start living and loving.

Love you guys a lot,

Paige

Fuck Expectations

Hi there!!!!! I guess it’s time…. I was about to take a shower and I heard a little voice in my head go “it’s time to write again”. And considering the title of this and the fact that my last post was themed around shit, I guess my blog may be a pretty vulgar one. I like to consider myself a fairly polite person, but when it comes to my mouth, whatever comes out sometimes just comes out. Cus words just make sense to me, ya know?

Weirdly as it sounds, I am more nervous right now about writing this second blog than I was when posting the first (which I was pretty damn nervous then). And the reason being…… EXPECTATIONS….(FUCK ‘EM). When I posted for the first time, everything just came out and I was like, “BLAH here goes” and I just put it out there. I did NOT at all expect such a large response (which I am SO grateful for and I love you all so much for opening your hearts to receiving this). But with this second post a lot of feelings arose about being able to live up to the post before and make this post just as good.

Right away, this is a reflection of how I feel in my life, and maybe you do too. I think we all have this expectation or version of ourselves that we hope to aspire to. But more so than that, we probably all have a version of ourselves that we think everyone else sees or wants to see. For me, I know the two versions (the real me and the Paige that I sometimes put on for others) are TOTALLY different. And my expectations of what others think of me and trying to live up to those expectations has been a life long battle. But finally, I think I am done fighting. Or at least now I think we are on the same team. Lemme explain…

Recently, I have been doing some work with looking at my inner child. If you don’t know what that is, it’s basically the childlike version of yourself. For example, picture yourself in the cutest little kid version of you… smiling, laughing, running around, maybe you’re singing or playing your favorite sport or at your old swing set. That little version of you is your inner child and is also a part of who you are. I often forget about that little girl who loved to sing and make music videos and make up songs and put on shows. And that little girl was fucking cool and real and authentic and did what she loved to do. But then I would say starting at about age eight she started to believe that she was supposed to be a certain way and act a certain way. She forgot about the things she truly loved and was unable to hear her own heart due to all of the outside noise. She took on all these opinions of others and she formed a picture in her mind of this version of herself she thought she had to be. And for the rest of her life she would constantly be trying to live up to this version of herself in order to gain approval and receive love.

How much worse does that sound when you picture a little girl (or boy) trying SO hard to be somebody they’re not, constantly striving to please others, to be perfect, to look a certain way, to talk a certain way, to be “fun”, to fit in. A little kid just screaming “I’ll do anything please just love me!” When I picture my cutie little self doing that I just want to give her the biggest hug and be like, “STOP! It’s okay! Just be you! Who YOU are is so much more perfect than all these versions of yourself you are trying to be! I LOVE YOU!”

However, this is so much easier said than done. And for a while all of this was happening without me realizing it. I totally forgot about that little girl. It’s been a tough journey finding her again, but it is one that I am choosing to continue on for the rest of my days here on earth. I mean, I think that’s why we come to earth, really… to be born with this big heart with incredible gifts to share but then maybe we lose it. And then slowly along the way we get to find ourselves again, we get to rediscover those gifts and hidden parts of ourselves, and eventually (hopefully) learn to love ourselves again and share that love with others. After so many years of putting on different hats to fit all of the different expectations you’re trying to live up to, there is a lot of shit to dig through to finally get through to that inner child in you. But where it starts, is beginning to notice those expectations and then one-by-one, letting them fucking go.

I mean I don’t know about you, but I have expectations of EVERYTHING. I have expectations of how my day is going to go. I have expectations of how long it will take me to get ready in the morning and get my day started (which always takes longer than I expect). I have expectations about how a conversation will go before I even have it. I have expectations of other people and how I think they should treat me. And then I have big expectations of things like when I’m going to find my husband or what my “perfect body” looks like or how much money I expect to make one day. And with all of this, slowly I am realizing that they help with NOTHING and they most often leave me with disappointment, guilt, and shame for never being able to live up to these calculations.

So now I am trying to do everything without expectations. Jk that’s impossible. I am always going to have expectations and they are always going to come up. I have not mastered the art of “fuck expectations” all-together and I don’t think I ever will. BUT I do believe I am getting good at recognizing and becoming AWARE of where my expectations pop up. Just that slight awareness like, “Oh! This is just an expectation I have formed of myself. It’s not real or true. I don’t have to live up to it!” can open up so much space and FREEDOM!!!!

I think the hardest expectation of all is this person you THINK you should be. All that that expectation does is take away from who you really are. I was just having a conversation today with someone about how refreshing vulnerability and real-ness is. People crave the real you. You know how you can just sense when someone is putting on a front and it makes you uncomfortable? It’s because they’re trying to live up to the expectation of who they think you want to see. I mean really we’re all walking around trying to be someone for someone else. I’m over here in my head being like “Okay what should I say that Sally would like or Sally would laugh at?” and Sally’s over there like “There’s no way I can talk to Paige about how depressed I’ve been feeling so I’m just going to fake laugh at this thing she just said that was really dumb and not funny at all”. I know I’m talking my way around this but I just want you to get the picture of what we are all doing and how stupid we look. And that life is so much better if we fuck the expectations, take off the mask, open our hearts…whatever way you want to say it. And just BE and be REAL together!

We ALL have that adorable little version of ourselves somewhere inside. If that doesn’t resonate with you, maybe picture the most incredible version of yourself. Not the one who looks perfect to others, but the version of yourself that wakes up everyday and radiates joy and love and presence from within! That is the REAL you. Lately I’ve been picturing that little 3-year-old me with bangs and a bow in her hair and imagining myself giving her the biggest frikin hug. And apologizing to her for making her think she had to be someone she was not. Ugh it makes me want to cry a little. Because there’s so much life and joy in a child. And for some reason that slowly goes away as we pile on our own opinions and the opinions of others. But it also doesn’t have to be sad, because peeling back the layers and finding that little person and giving them a hug is such an incredible feeling. And you can find that gift that they came here to share with the world and follow THAT again, instead of the million different paths you think you SHOULD take.

We need to quit SHOULD-ing all over ourselves and let go of how we think we should act or what we think we should be doing and instead just be who we are. Again, I’m back to this sense of being, but it’s just what we are here to do. If we drop expectations of how something should go, we allow things to unfold as the universe intended them to, and that is always SO beautiful. I am picturing an incredible conversation you have with someone where it seems like the rest of the world falls away and you are both just spilling your guts out without any hesitation or filtering. That to me is just SO SO good and that is LOVE. Same with a moment when you walk outside and look up for the first time to see the most beautiful sky and it takes your breath away. Life is fucking BEAUTIFUL when we let it be what it is. And SO ARE YOU!!!!!

Like I did in my first post, I want to finish with a story, in order to share my truth and be real with you. It’s about one of my biggest expectations of me that I’m saying “fuck you and goodbye” to…

So for a long time I have carried this expectation that I have to be “funny” or “fun” or “the entertainer” in order to be liked or even loved. And when I went through a serious bout of depression recently I literally (and physically) COULD NOT be fun or funny or entertaining. Half the time I could not even speak. For so long I beat myself up about this. I kept telling myself I was a freak for feeling awkward and sad and not being able to make jokes or laugh. I told myself that I needed to isolate myself because I was “no fun” to be around. I thought since I was no longer the “fun, party-girl Paige” that I was worthless and unloveable. Until slowly I started to become aware of this and I began to notice this expectation I had of myself. And I thought to myself “why do I feel like it’s my job to be funny or to be the entertainer?”. My real “funniness” shines through when I am my weird, quirky self anyways. And honestly, I probably was never that funny when I was trying to be funny. I realized that the real me of course loves to laugh and joke and have fun! But she also loves to have real, deep conversations, she loves to meditate, she loves to sing super loud and dramatically in the car, she loves to do yoga, she loves to read and go on walks with her dog. And that girl, she is totally worthy of love, whether she is funny or not!

This expectation nearly killed me… until I told myself (and that little girl inside) that I don’t have to BE or DO anything to deserve love. No matter the state you are in, you are totally deserving of love RIGHT NOW. You don’t have to live up to some expectation and THEN you’ll receive love. You don’t have to have the perfect body or the perfect relationship or the perfect job and THEN, oh yeah, THEN you’ll be lovable… NO!!!! ABSOLUTELY NOT! FUCK THAT, SERIOUSLY!!!! You are lovable RIGHT NOW for your imperfections, your cracks, your brokenness. My last post got such a large response and so many people loved it. Why did you guys love it? Because I shared my heart and soul and the things I thought I was ashamed of, I just put them out there. I was real. And what I received was this incredible out pouring of love that I am pouring right back to you!!! Wow, I love you. Keep being vulnerable and opening your heart. Keep peeling back the layers. It takes time but it is so worth it.

I love you! Be you! And go give your little kid self a hug. They’ve been waiting a long time…

 

BIIIIIIIGGGGG HUGS and LOVE to you,

xo..Paige

What is my purpose?

If you’re anything like me, this may be a question you ask yourself all the time. Also, if you’re anything like me, you don’t know the answer to this question and that fucking eats at you. Dude, I get it. I’ve been there. I totally understand feeling inadequate or like nothing REALLY matters because you don’t know your purpose or because you think you know your purpose but you’re not living it right now because of lack of money, resources, time, connections, whatever it may be. I get how much that sucks and how frustrating that can be. I think that daunting question and my inability to know the answer was part of what lead me into my Dark Night of the Soul (if you’re wondering what those scary words mean, they aren’t so scary, I will expand on them later in this article and most likely in other posts).

 

Anyways, if you are someone who is on the search for your purpose, which I’m assuming you are because you are reading this or because you live in 2017 and it seems like every where you turn there’s more inspiration to “do what you love!” (ugh plz shut up)… understand and know that you are someone who is here to live better, to do more, to grow. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be on the search for your purpose, you wouldn’t care, and you would be fine with living life on the surface. But you’re not. You are deep. You want to live deeply and fully. That in itself is amazing and a huge part of your purpose.

 

Okay so to the good stuff and why you are reading this … you want to know what the fuck your purpose is. And you want to just know it and start doing it now. Well guess what? What you are doing RIGHT NOW is your purpose. Let me say that again… WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW IS YOUR PURPOSE. So for you, your purpose is reading this article. Or maybe your phone just went off and you’re responding to a text message. Then sending that text is your purpose right now.

 

Let me expand on this and hopefully give you some peace and clarity like this piece of advice gave me. I came to this understanding through my own doing (which I will explain) as well as reading those words that your purpose is whatever you are doing right now in a book by Eckart Tolle called “A New Earth” (which I highly recommend if you are on this path and you want to live more fully).

 

Like I said before, I have always been someone in search of my purpose. I love spirituality and all things metaphysical. I love connecting with people regarding these topics. I love hearing about people’s life experiences, their relationships, their hardships and accomplishments. Basically I love to go deep. And I always believed I would be some type of counselor or life coach. But as regular life unfolded, with conventional school and moving home from college trying to find a j-o-b, my purpose or “my dream job” seemed out of sight and unrealistic. I wanted to be a counselor but not the typical one who reads from a Psychology book, talks to you about your childhood, and gives you a diagnosis. I wanted to be more of an intuitive guide like the women and mentors who have helped me along my path. But I told myself I was inadequate and couldn’t just do it. I needed more school or knowledge or something. However, there’s no school called “How to be an intuitive life coach,” or a class on “How to connect with others and share your experiences”. So somewhere along the line, between wanting to do big things that seemed out of reach and trying to fit into normal society (aka make money), I decided to GIVE UP on my “purpose”. And crazy as it sounds… I highly recommend this. Here’s why.

 

When you are in search of your “PURPOSE” … if you’re like me … you are waiting for this perfect thing to hit you in the face and be like “HERE IT IS! This is your purpose! These are the exact steps you need to take!” Okay for one, that is never going to fucking happen. And two, how boring of a life would that be. You may as well die now because you know the ending. You already know your exact purpose and steps to get there; there won’t be much more growth, newness, or expansion. You just take the steps laid out for you and you’re done.

 

But instead, I decided to give up on my fucking purpose. I watched too many YouTube videos and read too many articles saying… “find what it is you really love and then do that”. (Again, plz stfu. No offense). I’m 23, I just graduated college with a degree that I can’t do much with. Umm… I love my dog, my family, listening to people, nature, and sleeping…? How the fuck do I make that into my purpose? Does anyone else get sick of hearing, “What do you love? Do that!” For me I was like… “Bitch (lol) I don’t fucking know! Just tell me what to love and what to do and what my purpose is please! That’s why I’m asking you!” I literally just wanted someone to draw it out for me perfectly so I could stop searching and wondering and worrying that I was running out of time and was never going to live my purpose and just do what I was suppose to do.

 

Then finally, after no one would give me the stupid answer, I just stopped. I stopped searching. I stopped wondering. I was just kinda like… fuck it. I’m never going to find my purpose so I need to just forget about it and try and live life. And that’s what I did.

 

Let me tell you in complete honesty that a lot of the time me giving up on my purpose and trying to just live life was NOT pretty. Like I said before, I’m kinda on the back end of my Dark Night of the Soul. Which I know is such a dark and weird phrase and sounds like the title of some scary omen child movie. But it actually just refers to going through a really hard time where you’re just deep in your shit (and you know that expansion and (spiritual) growth are on the other side, yet seem very out of reach). And instead of avoiding it, and trying to smile and keep your head up, and throwing a Band-Aid on it and resisting CHANGE… you go through it fully and you allow yourself to be in it! Without guilt, without shame, you let yourself be sad, scared, lonely, depressed, anxious, angry, uncomfortable. And then when you are ready (and you will know when you are ready) you start to do just one thing.

 

For me, I started doing yoga again. I needed something to get me out of bed. I needed exercise because I had stopped doing that and the thought of a hard workout made me want to crawl back under the covers. And to be honest, I kept hearing and getting this gut inkling to just start doing yoga. Looking back, I know my soul or “higher self” was giving me step 1 of my purpose and was whispering, “do yoga”.

 

So that’s what I did. And eventually that lead to eating healthy again, meditating, journaling, getting outside, connecting with others more, finding a new job (as a waitress – don’t think I started my dream job. Remember that’s not what this is about). I also started a yoga teacher training and connecting with some gals who are into some of the same weird shit as me!

 

What I’m getting at here is I just started DOING. And eventually, that lead to more doing. Granted, they were very small steps to start. And at first it was hard. One step was maybe doing yoga twice a week, and the rest of the week I was cooped up in my room, just waiting for it to be time to go to bed. It was hard to get out of my head and stop worrying or judging myself or feeling inadequate. But I continually decided to give up on this stupid notion of finding my ultimate purpose or trying to figure everything out and I just trusted what my gut was telling me to do, in each moment each day. And I kept doing that every other moment I could. It was NEVER perfect or constant. It still isn’t and it never will be. But it happens more often now that I listen to what my higher self wants me to do today, and I try to do it.

 

For example, writing this post right now is my purpose for the time being. Who knows if anyone will even read this. And I know this article won’t be perfect. There’s never a right time to start. But something told me this morning “write about all this stuff on your mind. Write about how much you’ve realized recently. Write about what you’ve learned from reading A New Earth” (which again, I highly recommend if this post speaks to you and you want more).

 

In that book, Eckart Tolle shares something that took the biggest weight off of my shoulders and hopefully it takes some off of yours. And that is that your purpose is whatever you are doing right now. It would have been nice to know that five months ago when I was constantly asking Google what my purpose was and reading the same bullshit over and over to no avail LOL.

 

But if you can try to understand that your purpose is to do what you’re doing in THIS VERY MOMENT, and give up on finding “your purpose” (eff that shit), you are living it right. Because if you can’t be present for the moment you are in, you never will find your purpose. Because you’ll be in your head worrying about the future or wishing you would have done something different in the past that might’ve helped you be more able to live “your purpose”… and you will miss your purpose completely. Because all we ever have is the present moment. And that is where your purpose is. That is where life unfolds. That is how you find your purpose. By doing. By being. Not by wondering, figuring out, questioning, or contemplating. All my dreams of being this perfect counselor or whatever it may be, all my trying to figure out EXACTLY what I’m supposed to do and HOW I’m supposed to do it. All of that just kept me from actually doing! So stop trying to figure it out. You never will. One of my mentors who is in her late 30s with a full blown career always tells me she still doesn’t know what she’s doing! So try to just live in what today is for you, and the rest will unfold as it should (and it will most likely be way different and BETTER than you could have ever planned for yourself).

 

I will finish with this… I was inspired to write this article while sitting on the toilet. I had just finished my morning coffee and was sitting on my throne. But(t)… plot twist… no phone in hand! (Currently picturing a meme where someone is sad because they forget to bring their phone to the bathroom while taking a shit). I was just sitting there, letting it flow … LOL omg can’t believe I’m writing this but I know it will help people understand so whatever … everybody poops. Anyways, lately I’ve been catching myself throughout the day when I get in my head and saying to myself wherever I am at “this is my purpose right now” with whatever I’m doing. And it pulls me out of my head and into my body, into the present moment. And so as I’m s(h)itting, I’m like “this is my purpose right now”. I mean how often do we use the restroom and we don’t even realize it’s happening. We rush ourselves and our minds are going, going, going about what we have to do next. Or we’re staring at our phones (sorry I know I sound like a grandma… “you kids and your dang cell phones!”). But think of a little baby and how cute and funny they are when they’re just sittin’ there poopin’! They’re not worrying about what’s next. They’re just enjoying cleaning out their large intestine (hahaha I hate myself right now omg lol). And in that moment they are just living. And then the next moment unfolds and they live then. And eventually, their whole life unfolds and they’re 23 wondering what their purpose is.

 

So what is your purpose? It is to give up on your purpose and do whatever you feel called to do each day, each moment. Nurture yourself in this moment. Give up on your purpose and decide to just BE, just DO, … just poo… LOL OMG.

 

Lots of love!!! (And maybe more to come),

Paige

And so it begins…

So I’m starting a blog. I’m not sure any other creative way to say I am starting a blog other than just to tell you. Come to think of it, I may be telling no one. I may be only telling me. But I am here none the less. At the start of this journey.

What is the purpose of this journey, you may ask? (jk no one is asking because I am literally writing this out into the void and not telling anyone I’m doing it). But any-who,  the purpose of this journey is to follow my path of inner guidance, of intuition, of self love.

Of course, I have been on a journey up until this point. I didn’t just appear here out of no where. However, up until this point the journey I have been on has been a fairly rocky one. Picture riding along a road and every few weeks or months deciding to just turn right into thick woods, flooring it, and hoping for the best. Basically, it wasn’t pretty.

With that in mind, I do believe that we all have things we must go through. And I am here because I know that my experiences, as shitty as they may have been, all happened for a reason. If it hadn’t been for all of the idiotic and embarrassing and, in my opinion, sometimes disgusting things I have done when I’ve made a left turn into self-destruction, I would not be sitting here starting to write this blog. If anyone IS actually reading this (hi), I’m sure somewhere along the way some of my juicy stories from the past will come along. I say that because if we’re being honest, of course it’s fun to hear people’s crazy stories of when they lived like a wild child. Maybe that will rope some people in to keep reading this thing.

But to be real. All of the shit I have done wasn’t me. The real me is sitting here in my room having just come out of a beautiful meditation, ready to start this journey of self love. I have been on and off the self-love train for a while now, but I am starting this specific journey today because I heard the most profound thing this morning. My therapist (yes of course I see a therapist) asked me for the next thirty days, whenever I need to make a decision, or whenever I want to make a turn off of the smooth, paved path into the wood of self-hatred, to simply ask myself “what would the person who loved themselves unconditionally do?”. As soon as I heard the words, they struck a chord with me. This question seriously went straight to my heart. Because when I do start to turn down a dark hallway, I feel that unconditional love within me going away slowly and slowly, then all at once I forget it was even there, until I wake up with a terrible hangover and a heart full of sorrow and regret.

Could this journey be short-lived and could I possibly end up right back in my shit storm tomorrow? Absolutely. But something felt different today. Something feels different now. Today, I walked out of my therapy session and I asked myself with each decision I made, “What would the Paige who loved herself unconditionally do in this situation?”. And then I would do just that. Today I didn’t have any big decisions to make, but the little decisions I did make, I just kept asking myself that question. And god damn I had an amazing day. I ran the park with my dog but I walked when I wanted to take in a view or I needed a little break. I ate lunch but instead of reaching for the closest thing to satiate my hunger, I found the most healthy option available. I paid a bill instead of putting it off and having anxiety about it later. At one point I chilled out for a while and read a book, instead of forcing myself to workout again or find some task to accomplish. See this question works so well, because the person who loves themselves unconditionally won’t procrastinate the important stuff, but they also won’t force themselves to do something they don’t want to do. If you can truly pause, breathe, and ask how you can love yourself unconditionally right now, your soul will give you the answer.

So for the next thirty days (and hopefully for longer) that is what I am going to do. I am going to continually ask myself “what would the Paige who loved herself unconditionally do?”. I’m sure at some point I’m going to get sick of this question and want to say fuck it and make the less loving choice. And I’m sure sometimes I will go get the late night Taco Bell or stay up late for no reason watching Netflix. That’s all part of it. But like I said, I am here on a journey. And on this journey if I make a mistake, I will pick up and keep going, because that’s what someone who loves themselves would do. I feel like beautiful things will unfold. And if for some reason you are reading this, try it with me. Let’s see what magic happens.

I’m off to bed early because I have an early morning and that’s how I’m loving myself unconditionally right now! HELL YEAH!!!! … Okay sorry overboard. I may be in over my head here. But hey, if anything, today was a good day.

For now, I’ll keep you posted.

Much love,

PB