What is my purpose?

If you’re anything like me, this may be a question you ask yourself all the time. Also, if you’re anything like me, you don’t know the answer to this question and that fucking eats at you. Dude, I get it. I’ve been there. I totally understand feeling inadequate or like nothing REALLY matters because you don’t know your purpose or because you think you know your purpose but you’re not living it right now because of lack of money, resources, time, connections, whatever it may be. I get how much that sucks and how frustrating that can be. I think that daunting question and my inability to know the answer was part of what lead me into my Dark Night of the Soul (if you’re wondering what those scary words mean, they aren’t so scary, I will expand on them later in this article and most likely in other posts).

 

Anyways, if you are someone who is on the search for your purpose, which I’m assuming you are because you are reading this or because you live in 2017 and it seems like every where you turn there’s more inspiration to “do what you love!” (ugh plz shut up)… understand and know that you are someone who is here to live better, to do more, to grow. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be on the search for your purpose, you wouldn’t care, and you would be fine with living life on the surface. But you’re not. You are deep. You want to live deeply and fully. That in itself is amazing and a huge part of your purpose.

 

Okay so to the good stuff and why you are reading this … you want to know what the fuck your purpose is. And you want to just know it and start doing it now. Well guess what? What you are doing RIGHT NOW is your purpose. Let me say that again… WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW IS YOUR PURPOSE. So for you, your purpose is reading this article. Or maybe your phone just went off and you’re responding to a text message. Then sending that text is your purpose right now.

 

Let me expand on this and hopefully give you some peace and clarity like this piece of advice gave me. I came to this understanding through my own doing (which I will explain) as well as reading those words that your purpose is whatever you are doing right now in a book by Eckart Tolle called “A New Earth” (which I highly recommend if you are on this path and you want to live more fully).

 

Like I said before, I have always been someone in search of my purpose. I love spirituality and all things metaphysical. I love connecting with people regarding these topics. I love hearing about people’s life experiences, their relationships, their hardships and accomplishments. Basically I love to go deep. And I always believed I would be some type of counselor or life coach. But as regular life unfolded, with conventional school and moving home from college trying to find a j-o-b, my purpose or “my dream job” seemed out of sight and unrealistic. I wanted to be a counselor but not the typical one who reads from a Psychology book, talks to you about your childhood, and gives you a diagnosis. I wanted to be more of an intuitive guide like the women and mentors who have helped me along my path. But I told myself I was inadequate and couldn’t just do it. I needed more school or knowledge or something. However, there’s no school called “How to be an intuitive life coach,” or a class on “How to connect with others and share your experiences”. So somewhere along the line, between wanting to do big things that seemed out of reach and trying to fit into normal society (aka make money), I decided to GIVE UP on my “purpose”. And crazy as it sounds… I highly recommend this. Here’s why.

 

When you are in search of your “PURPOSE” … if you’re like me … you are waiting for this perfect thing to hit you in the face and be like “HERE IT IS! This is your purpose! These are the exact steps you need to take!” Okay for one, that is never going to fucking happen. And two, how boring of a life would that be. You may as well die now because you know the ending. You already know your exact purpose and steps to get there; there won’t be much more growth, newness, or expansion. You just take the steps laid out for you and you’re done.

 

But instead, I decided to give up on my fucking purpose. I watched too many YouTube videos and read too many articles saying… “find what it is you really love and then do that”. (Again, plz stfu. No offense). I’m 23, I just graduated college with a degree that I can’t do much with. Umm… I love my dog, my family, listening to people, nature, and sleeping…? How the fuck do I make that into my purpose? Does anyone else get sick of hearing, “What do you love? Do that!” For me I was like… “Bitch (lol) I don’t fucking know! Just tell me what to love and what to do and what my purpose is please! That’s why I’m asking you!” I literally just wanted someone to draw it out for me perfectly so I could stop searching and wondering and worrying that I was running out of time and was never going to live my purpose and just do what I was suppose to do.

 

Then finally, after no one would give me the stupid answer, I just stopped. I stopped searching. I stopped wondering. I was just kinda like… fuck it. I’m never going to find my purpose so I need to just forget about it and try and live life. And that’s what I did.

 

Let me tell you in complete honesty that a lot of the time me giving up on my purpose and trying to just live life was NOT pretty. Like I said before, I’m kinda on the back end of my Dark Night of the Soul. Which I know is such a dark and weird phrase and sounds like the title of some scary omen child movie. But it actually just refers to going through a really hard time where you’re just deep in your shit (and you know that expansion and (spiritual) growth are on the other side, yet seem very out of reach). And instead of avoiding it, and trying to smile and keep your head up, and throwing a Band-Aid on it and resisting CHANGE… you go through it fully and you allow yourself to be in it! Without guilt, without shame, you let yourself be sad, scared, lonely, depressed, anxious, angry, uncomfortable. And then when you are ready (and you will know when you are ready) you start to do just one thing.

 

For me, I started doing yoga again. I needed something to get me out of bed. I needed exercise because I had stopped doing that and the thought of a hard workout made me want to crawl back under the covers. And to be honest, I kept hearing and getting this gut inkling to just start doing yoga. Looking back, I know my soul or “higher self” was giving me step 1 of my purpose and was whispering, “do yoga”.

 

So that’s what I did. And eventually that lead to eating healthy again, meditating, journaling, getting outside, connecting with others more, finding a new job (as a waitress – don’t think I started my dream job. Remember that’s not what this is about). I also started a yoga teacher training and connecting with some gals who are into some of the same weird shit as me!

 

What I’m getting at here is I just started DOING. And eventually, that lead to more doing. Granted, they were very small steps to start. And at first it was hard. One step was maybe doing yoga twice a week, and the rest of the week I was cooped up in my room, just waiting for it to be time to go to bed. It was hard to get out of my head and stop worrying or judging myself or feeling inadequate. But I continually decided to give up on this stupid notion of finding my ultimate purpose or trying to figure everything out and I just trusted what my gut was telling me to do, in each moment each day. And I kept doing that every other moment I could. It was NEVER perfect or constant. It still isn’t and it never will be. But it happens more often now that I listen to what my higher self wants me to do today, and I try to do it.

 

For example, writing this post right now is my purpose for the time being. Who knows if anyone will even read this. And I know this article won’t be perfect. There’s never a right time to start. But something told me this morning “write about all this stuff on your mind. Write about how much you’ve realized recently. Write about what you’ve learned from reading A New Earth” (which again, I highly recommend if this post speaks to you and you want more).

 

In that book, Eckart Tolle shares something that took the biggest weight off of my shoulders and hopefully it takes some off of yours. And that is that your purpose is whatever you are doing right now. It would have been nice to know that five months ago when I was constantly asking Google what my purpose was and reading the same bullshit over and over to no avail LOL.

 

But if you can try to understand that your purpose is to do what you’re doing in THIS VERY MOMENT, and give up on finding “your purpose” (eff that shit), you are living it right. Because if you can’t be present for the moment you are in, you never will find your purpose. Because you’ll be in your head worrying about the future or wishing you would have done something different in the past that might’ve helped you be more able to live “your purpose”… and you will miss your purpose completely. Because all we ever have is the present moment. And that is where your purpose is. That is where life unfolds. That is how you find your purpose. By doing. By being. Not by wondering, figuring out, questioning, or contemplating. All my dreams of being this perfect counselor or whatever it may be, all my trying to figure out EXACTLY what I’m supposed to do and HOW I’m supposed to do it. All of that just kept me from actually doing! So stop trying to figure it out. You never will. One of my mentors who is in her late 30s with a full blown career always tells me she still doesn’t know what she’s doing! So try to just live in what today is for you, and the rest will unfold as it should (and it will most likely be way different and BETTER than you could have ever planned for yourself).

 

I will finish with this… I was inspired to write this article while sitting on the toilet. I had just finished my morning coffee and was sitting on my throne. But(t)… plot twist… no phone in hand! (Currently picturing a meme where someone is sad because they forget to bring their phone to the bathroom while taking a shit). I was just sitting there, letting it flow … LOL omg can’t believe I’m writing this but I know it will help people understand so whatever … everybody poops. Anyways, lately I’ve been catching myself throughout the day when I get in my head and saying to myself wherever I am at “this is my purpose right now” with whatever I’m doing. And it pulls me out of my head and into my body, into the present moment. And so as I’m s(h)itting, I’m like “this is my purpose right now”. I mean how often do we use the restroom and we don’t even realize it’s happening. We rush ourselves and our minds are going, going, going about what we have to do next. Or we’re staring at our phones (sorry I know I sound like a grandma… “you kids and your dang cell phones!”). But think of a little baby and how cute and funny they are when they’re just sittin’ there poopin’! They’re not worrying about what’s next. They’re just enjoying cleaning out their large intestine (hahaha I hate myself right now omg lol). And in that moment they are just living. And then the next moment unfolds and they live then. And eventually, their whole life unfolds and they’re 23 wondering what their purpose is.

 

So what is your purpose? It is to give up on your purpose and do whatever you feel called to do each day, each moment. Nurture yourself in this moment. Give up on your purpose and decide to just BE, just DO, … just poo… LOL OMG.

 

Lots of love!!! (And maybe more to come),

Paige