Fuck Expectations

Hi there!!!!! I guess it’s time…. I was about to take a shower and I heard a little voice in my head go “it’s time to write again”. And considering the title of this and the fact that my last post was themed around shit, I guess my blog may be a pretty vulgar one. I like to consider myself a fairly polite person, but when it comes to my mouth, whatever comes out sometimes just comes out. Cus words just make sense to me, ya know?

Weirdly as it sounds, I am more nervous right now about writing this second blog than I was when posting the first (which I was pretty damn nervous then). And the reason being…… EXPECTATIONS….(FUCK ‘EM). When I posted for the first time, everything just came out and I was like, “BLAH here goes” and I just put it out there. I did NOT at all expect such a large response (which I am SO grateful for and I love you all so much for opening your hearts to receiving this). But with this second post a lot of feelings arose about being able to live up to the post before and make this post just as good.

Right away, this is a reflection of how I feel in my life, and maybe you do too. I think we all have this expectation or version of ourselves that we hope to aspire to. But more so than that, we probably all have a version of ourselves that we think everyone else sees or wants to see. For me, I know the two versions (the real me and the Paige that I sometimes put on for others) are TOTALLY different. And my expectations of what others think of me and trying to live up to those expectations has been a life long battle. But finally, I think I am done fighting. Or at least now I think we are on the same team. Lemme explain…

Recently, I have been doing some work with looking at my inner child. If you don’t know what that is, it’s basically the childlike version of yourself. For example, picture yourself in the cutest little kid version of you… smiling, laughing, running around, maybe you’re singing or playing your favorite sport or at your old swing set. That little version of you is your inner child and is also a part of who you are. I often forget about that little girl who loved to sing and make music videos and make up songs and put on shows. And that little girl was fucking cool and real and authentic and did what she loved to do. But then I would say starting at about age eight she started to believe that she was supposed to be a certain way and act a certain way. She forgot about the things she truly loved and was unable to hear her own heart due to all of the outside noise. She took on all these opinions of others and she formed a picture in her mind of this version of herself she thought she had to be. And for the rest of her life she would constantly be trying to live up to this version of herself in order to gain approval and receive love.

How much worse does that sound when you picture a little girl (or boy) trying SO hard to be somebody they’re not, constantly striving to please others, to be perfect, to look a certain way, to talk a certain way, to be “fun”, to fit in. A little kid just screaming “I’ll do anything please just love me!” When I picture my cutie little self doing that I just want to give her the biggest hug and be like, “STOP! It’s okay! Just be you! Who YOU are is so much more perfect than all these versions of yourself you are trying to be! I LOVE YOU!”

However, this is so much easier said than done. And for a while all of this was happening without me realizing it. I totally forgot about that little girl. It’s been a tough journey finding her again, but it is one that I am choosing to continue on for the rest of my days here on earth. I mean, I think that’s why we come to earth, really… to be born with this big heart with incredible gifts to share but then maybe we lose it. And then slowly along the way we get to find ourselves again, we get to rediscover those gifts and hidden parts of ourselves, and eventually (hopefully) learn to love ourselves again and share that love with others. After so many years of putting on different hats to fit all of the different expectations you’re trying to live up to, there is a lot of shit to dig through to finally get through to that inner child in you. But where it starts, is beginning to notice those expectations and then one-by-one, letting them fucking go.

I mean I don’t know about you, but I have expectations of EVERYTHING. I have expectations of how my day is going to go. I have expectations of how long it will take me to get ready in the morning and get my day started (which always takes longer than I expect). I have expectations about how a conversation will go before I even have it. I have expectations of other people and how I think they should treat me. And then I have big expectations of things like when I’m going to find my husband or what my “perfect body” looks like or how much money I expect to make one day. And with all of this, slowly I am realizing that they help with NOTHING and they most often leave me with disappointment, guilt, and shame for never being able to live up to these calculations.

So now I am trying to do everything without expectations. Jk that’s impossible. I am always going to have expectations and they are always going to come up. I have not mastered the art of “fuck expectations” all-together and I don’t think I ever will. BUT I do believe I am getting good at recognizing and becoming AWARE of where my expectations pop up. Just that slight awareness like, “Oh! This is just an expectation I have formed of myself. It’s not real or true. I don’t have to live up to it!” can open up so much space and FREEDOM!!!!

I think the hardest expectation of all is this person you THINK you should be. All that that expectation does is take away from who you really are. I was just having a conversation today with someone about how refreshing vulnerability and real-ness is. People crave the real you. You know how you can just sense when someone is putting on a front and it makes you uncomfortable? It’s because they’re trying to live up to the expectation of who they think you want to see. I mean really we’re all walking around trying to be someone for someone else. I’m over here in my head being like “Okay what should I say that Sally would like or Sally would laugh at?” and Sally’s over there like “There’s no way I can talk to Paige about how depressed I’ve been feeling so I’m just going to fake laugh at this thing she just said that was really dumb and not funny at all”. I know I’m talking my way around this but I just want you to get the picture of what we are all doing and how stupid we look. And that life is so much better if we fuck the expectations, take off the mask, open our hearts…whatever way you want to say it. And just BE and be REAL together!

We ALL have that adorable little version of ourselves somewhere inside. If that doesn’t resonate with you, maybe picture the most incredible version of yourself. Not the one who looks perfect to others, but the version of yourself that wakes up everyday and radiates joy and love and presence from within! That is the REAL you. Lately I’ve been picturing that little 3-year-old me with bangs and a bow in her hair and imagining myself giving her the biggest frikin hug. And apologizing to her for making her think she had to be someone she was not. Ugh it makes me want to cry a little. Because there’s so much life and joy in a child. And for some reason that slowly goes away as we pile on our own opinions and the opinions of others. But it also doesn’t have to be sad, because peeling back the layers and finding that little person and giving them a hug is such an incredible feeling. And you can find that gift that they came here to share with the world and follow THAT again, instead of the million different paths you think you SHOULD take.

We need to quit SHOULD-ing all over ourselves and let go of how we think we should act or what we think we should be doing and instead just be who we are. Again, I’m back to this sense of being, but it’s just what we are here to do. If we drop expectations of how something should go, we allow things to unfold as the universe intended them to, and that is always SO beautiful. I am picturing an incredible conversation you have with someone where it seems like the rest of the world falls away and you are both just spilling your guts out without any hesitation or filtering. That to me is just SO SO good and that is LOVE. Same with a moment when you walk outside and look up for the first time to see the most beautiful sky and it takes your breath away. Life is fucking BEAUTIFUL when we let it be what it is. And SO ARE YOU!!!!!

Like I did in my first post, I want to finish with a story, in order to share my truth and be real with you. It’s about one of my biggest expectations of me that I’m saying “fuck you and goodbye” to…

So for a long time I have carried this expectation that I have to be “funny” or “fun” or “the entertainer” in order to be liked or even loved. And when I went through a serious bout of depression recently I literally (and physically) COULD NOT be fun or funny or entertaining. Half the time I could not even speak. For so long I beat myself up about this. I kept telling myself I was a freak for feeling awkward and sad and not being able to make jokes or laugh. I told myself that I needed to isolate myself because I was “no fun” to be around. I thought since I was no longer the “fun, party-girl Paige” that I was worthless and unloveable. Until slowly I started to become aware of this and I began to notice this expectation I had of myself. And I thought to myself “why do I feel like it’s my job to be funny or to be the entertainer?”. My real “funniness” shines through when I am my weird, quirky self anyways. And honestly, I probably was never that funny when I was trying to be funny. I realized that the real me of course loves to laugh and joke and have fun! But she also loves to have real, deep conversations, she loves to meditate, she loves to sing super loud and dramatically in the car, she loves to do yoga, she loves to read and go on walks with her dog. And that girl, she is totally worthy of love, whether she is funny or not!

This expectation nearly killed me… until I told myself (and that little girl inside) that I don’t have to BE or DO anything to deserve love. No matter the state you are in, you are totally deserving of love RIGHT NOW. You don’t have to live up to some expectation and THEN you’ll receive love. You don’t have to have the perfect body or the perfect relationship or the perfect job and THEN, oh yeah, THEN you’ll be lovable… NO!!!! ABSOLUTELY NOT! FUCK THAT, SERIOUSLY!!!! You are lovable RIGHT NOW for your imperfections, your cracks, your brokenness. My last post got such a large response and so many people loved it. Why did you guys love it? Because I shared my heart and soul and the things I thought I was ashamed of, I just put them out there. I was real. And what I received was this incredible out pouring of love that I am pouring right back to you!!! Wow, I love you. Keep being vulnerable and opening your heart. Keep peeling back the layers. It takes time but it is so worth it.

I love you! Be you! And go give your little kid self a hug. They’ve been waiting a long time…

 

BIIIIIIIGGGGG HUGS and LOVE to you,

xo..Paige